Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
