woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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