Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
