the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
