Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
