Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
