foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
