All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
