Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize