The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
