If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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