i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
