Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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