I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
