There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Who died my cat blue again?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
