My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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