He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
