fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
