I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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