it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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