capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
