i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
