mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
