A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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