I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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