Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
