I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
