I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
