First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
