stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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