i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
