Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
