she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
