If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
