Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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