You just made me feel so damn special
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
