So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
