He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
