I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
