now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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