I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
