my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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