Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
