just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
