Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
my poor anus
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
