The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
