We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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