The maid of honor just puked.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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