please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dignity is for republicans.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
