OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
