Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
