Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
