I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
