Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
