My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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