When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
